my new obsession

The poet and poetry of Pablo Neruda are my new obsession, and I can’t get enough.  I must learn more about this amazing man who can create such strong images and feelings with words, and I must continue reading and re-reading his poetry it’s so beautiful and powerful, it amazes me completely.

Here are a couple of my favorites so far from The Captain’s Verses:

Your Laughter

Take bread away from me, if you wish,

take air away, but

do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,

the lanceflower that you pluck,

the water that suddenly

bursts forth in your joy,

the sudden wave

of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back

with eyes tired

at times from having seen

the unchanging earth,

but when your laughter enters

it rises to the sky seeking me

and it opens for me all

the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest

hour your laughter

opens, and if suddenly

you see my blood staining

the stones of the street,

laugh, because your laughter

will be for my hands

like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,

your laughter must raise

its foamy cascade,

and in the spring, love,

I want your laughter like

the flower I was waiting for,

the blue flower, the rose

of my echoing country.

Laugh at the night,

at the day, at the moon,

laugh at the twisted

streets of the island,

laugh at this clumsy

boy who loves you,

but when I open

my eyes and close them,

when my steps go,

when my steps return,

deny me bread, air,

light, spring,

but never you laughter

for I would die.

The Tiger

I am the tiger.

I lie in wait for you among leaves

broad as ingots

of wet mineral.

The white river grows

beneath the fog.  You come.

Naked you submerge.

I wait.

Then in a leap

of fire, blood, teeth,

with a claw slash I tear away

your bosom, your hips.

I drink your blood, I break

your limbs one by one.

And I remain watching

for years in the forest

over your bones, your ashes,

motionless, far

from hatred and anger,

disarmed in your death,

crossed by lianas,

motionless in the rain,

relentless sentinel

of my murderous love.

Good Morning

So far this morning has been good. I’ve showered, brushed, flossed, and swished, I’ve done my yoga stretches, paid some bills, drank some nectar of the gods (coffee), made an appointment, found a coupon so I can buy blades for my razor, and made a lovely to do list for Monday, my next day off.
I have a feeling that work is going to be great today and that my whole day is going to be awesome! Thanks universe!
If this turns out to not be the case I’ll update. But for now I’ve got to get to work. Have a peachy day!

the place

I didn’t feel welcomed.  Not by you, you made me feel comfortable.  I always feel wanted and at peace with you.  It was the place, it didn’t want me there.  It’s like it was torn.  Half of it accepted me, it welcomed me- your half.  The other half pushed at me, shunned me- her half.

Sitting by you was fine, I didn’t feel as if I were intruding.  The place stole my voice, it scared it into submission.  I could only watch and listen, and get lost in the passion of your eyes as you spoke.  I didn’t dare break away for fear of the place casting me out, throwing me away like trash.  You were my anchor.  You wanted me there, you wanted more.  I wanted more, but was too uncomfortable to try, the place was watching.

More time could have been better, I might have found strength to push back against the place, make a stand, take what I wanted.  Or it could have been worse, it could have beaten me down, it might have beaten you down to see me as it did, an outsider.

You and me.  That’s what I want.  No judgement, no worries, no oppressive thoughts, no second guessing, no unwelcome feelings, and no lies.  In their place it would be passion, excitement, affection, connection, love, happiness, laughter, understanding, acceptance, and peace.

That place shall not beat us.

birthday recap

Presents, work, food, beer, puke.

That’s the timeline of my 28th birthday.  I was originally scheduled to open that day but it got switched to a mid shift so I had time in the morning to open presents.  I got some really nice things, my family and friends are beyond amazing!  Work was fine, they made me wear a silly paper crown which was irritating, but I brought in cookies and it was a nice day.  A very favorite friend of mine made me a bracelet and wrote me a very sweet poem.  So a lovely hug followed that.  My mom made me one of my favorite dinners; beer beef, mashed potatoes, Brussels sprouts, and pineapple upside down cake.  SO delicious!  Then there was party time at the bar where I drank three beers and one shot of Jameson and threw up three times that night.  It was fun though, and lots of people showed up to celebrate and have fun.  The next morning however I was dehydrated and feeling rough.  On top of that I had scheduled an appointment with my car dealership to discuss a trade in event they were throwing.  I was guzzling water and trying to pay attention and not look like one of the walking dead while talking with a really super nice car salesman for hours.  I ended up trading in my wonderful little mullet of a Honda Fit to buy a 2011 Honda CR-V.  I’m happy with my decision, I think it was the time to do it and it will be beneficial in the long term, and I have a new car with a great warranty that covers all oil changes for five years!  Also that day, the day after my birthday, I went to SMOCA and the Jewel of India with great, great friends for art and dinner.  It was the best birthday date ever!  We got to interact with the space instillation and then eat our weight in delicious Indian cuisine.  Epic.  I’m saying that this birthday celebration was a success and it was the open door for a successful and epic year to come.

2 VS 4

The idea was to give myself two years.  Two years to get my shit together.  Two years to pay off as much as I can, save money, collect useful items for myself and my future cafe, and to get to work on the business of starting a cafe.

My parents, the whole reason I moved here in the first place, are here for another four years.  Four years until my dad can retire.  Four years for them to figure out how to sell their house.  Four years for them to decide where they want to live when they go home.

Things keep popping up and are forcing me to rethink this two year idea.  One thing being something that is unexplainable, for the most part.  It’s something that is going to happen but with no definite time frame and for right now is here and will be for at least another two to four years.  That is really important to me and has had me rearranging everything in my head for a while now.  The newest thing that has come up has actually crossed my mind before and could actually be something worthwhile now.  That’s my car.  I love my car, my little Honda Fit, the Mullet.  It has great mileage and is roomier than it looks, and is just a great car.  The first car that I got to actually pick out and buy for myself.  It’s special to me.  It’s also small and doesn’t hold as much as I would like for a back across the country move.  Something bigger, but still with great mileage, can hold more, and be a little more reliable in the cold winter months in places that have seasons, would be a great advantage.  My Honda dealership has specially invited me to attend a trade in open house where they are offering to pay more than KBB price on my car if I were to buy any new 2012 Honda.  This is quite tempting.  Especially if I can get something with all my specifications and still have a similar monthly payment and can be able to pay it off before I move.

Thus 2 VS 4

In 2 years I’ll be 30, no big deal – In 4 years I’ll be 32, still no big deal

In 2 years I can pay off my credit cards definitely, in 4 years I can pay off my credit cards, my car, and student loan

In 2 years I can have my business plan written, in 4 years I can have my business plan written and a lot more items bought in preparation of opening my cafe

In 2 years I’d leave my parents alone here in a place they don’t like without anyone, in 4 years they’d be leaving too

In 2 years I will have only 2 more opportunities for raises, in 4 years, 4

What if I move out, I’m really craving my own space and freedom again.  Will that set everything back?  Or be enough motivation to tighten up and get shit done.  Depending on the circumstances surrounding it I could definitely use it as motivation.  Oh, but my gypsy blood is singing and travel sounds great too.  I still haven’t seen the pacific ocean, or the pacific northwest.  Of course I’ll have time to do and see that eventually.  But I’m right here.  Maybe tax checks could be splurged as vacation funds?  Not very frugal of me.  Change, like coins?  That would take forever!  I really should be happy that I have all these options and ideas and wonderful things to choose from and work towards.  They are all chances to live life, and all I do is over think and stress out.  I’m going to stop that.  I mean really, what’s the point.  This is life.  I have a job that I enjoy, I have great friends here, and hugely wonderful prospect here, and time.  I don’t want to live for the future, I’m going to focus on the now and live.

wants, life, normal?

I know what I want.  I’m usually pretty good at attaining what I want.  And I know what I want.  It’s just the capacity in which I’m getting it, or will get it, isn’t exactly what I had in mind.  Right now I’m okay with that, I’m trying to be patient and accept it.  It’s just I know that what I want will be a part of my life from now on, I just had in mind a different way it would be.  But, and this is where it gets confusing, some of the reason why I’m so damned determined to have this in my life is the reasoning behind it not being in my life how I imagined it.  See the thin line there?  I could get what I want exactly like I want it but in the process take away a big part of why I want it in the first place!  Infuriating.

That gets me thinking.  Normalcy.  How will my life ever resemble normal when I refuse to be normal and obviously do things in a normal way?  Do I want a normal life?  I guess not.  It’s what everyone is brought up to see as successful and what to strive for.  What happened to me?  My family is normal, I mean as normal as can be.  Why do I constantly get into situations where my outcome is anything but normal, and works?  Crazy.

I know what I want.  I will get it eventually.  I already have some of it already.  I guess it’s just going to be a multi-layered venture that will span a lifetime.  And that, I’m more than okay with.  Fuck normal, I like my life.

sick

I am friend-sick.

I miss Marcia, Leah, Holly, Josh, Cory, Brittney, Rebecka, Miranda, Jess, and Dee Dee.

I am home-sick.

I miss Heather, Dustin, back roads, thunderstorms, sky, trees, grass, flowers, forests, lakes, ponds, creeks, clouds, porches, family, and home.

I am sex-sick.

I miss having sex, being with someone in a relationship, having the opportunity to have sex, and the utter exhaustion that comes from sex.

ME

My favorite color is blue. I look best in blue or purple. I change my hair color somewhat often, it’s naturally brown. When I was a baby it was blonde and curly. It’s still curly. I have pretty blue eyes. I’m short. I like my body. I wouldn’t change a part of it, which is why I don’t try. I never dye my hair anything that it won’t take, so that usually means red highlights, but last year I was able to do teal tips! I love food! My favorite restaurant is Skyline Chili. I will most likely try anything, I’m not really picky. Food makes me incredibly happy. If I have a bad day or am stressed out, I bake. I have a infamous question that I like to ask people, friends typically, if they had to choose between giving up sex or food what they would pick and nine times out of ten I get food, I’m the only one I know that answers sex. Sorry Phil! My dog Max is the most important thing in the world to me. I’m a leo. I have an overactive imagination. I love to read! Right now I’m reading two books and only really enjoying one of them so I’ll start up another one today. I like to craft and sew too. Movies and tv have always been a part of my life and I really love that. I don’t like to go shopping unless there is something that I need. I hate the mall and just walking into it makes me uncomfortable. I love music, of all kinds really. I jump between all different genres of music depending on my mood. I think vinyl is the best way to listen to most kinds of music, there’s a whole other level of culture and feeling there. My gypsy blood is singing to me and I feel the urge to move or travel or start a new adventure. I plan to start a cafe and love my job. I want to be near my family. I love trees! I like animals more than people. I collect owls and turtles. I’d love to learn to sail and buy a boat. I want to learn French and visit Provence. I’d love to leave the continental U.S. I don’t really believe in the institution of marriage. I’m not against it, but I don’t really see the point in it either. I am a caring person. I love with my whole self. I’m a catch. I’m funny. I can be sexy. My eyes and face are quite expressive. I’m fun. I’m a good friend. I want to do good and help people and animals. I’m honest. I’ve been wanting to buy a coloring book and some crayons, but I keep forgetting to. I like to share. I want to find a partner that wants to share his whole life with me and be thrilled to have me share my whole life with him. I try my best to listen to the universe and see the signs she leaves for me. Sometimes I’m better at this than others. I’m a little strange. I can be overly emotional. I have a short fuse to an explosive temper. I don’t hold grudges. I get over things, after exploding over them, quickly. I hold stress in my shoulders and back. I have cute toes. I have a love affair with coffee and tea. I love laughter. I love making people smile and laugh. I adore being made to laugh. Basically laughter and food are the quickest ways to my heart. I’m not competitive. I don’t like to fight or argue. I don’t like to be taken advantage of. I love when people are honest with me. I cherish my friendships greatly. My family means the world to me. My birthday is coming up this month. I turn 28 on the 22.

idiot

I am the world’s biggest idiot.

Titles for books are something that I look at everyday, they mean a lot.  You know the old saying, ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover’, well it’s shit.  Do judge a book by it’s cover, seriously.

The title to my autobiography, if that ever happens, will be I’m and Idiot.  I doubt if anyone would read it, but if they do I hope they would at least find humor in my idiocy.

Sharing

As children we were taught, or should have been taught, to share.  Perhaps I took this lesson to the extremes.  I love to share.  Seriously, honestly, I am not shitting you.  It’s become an issue actually because what I really like to share now are my thoughts.  This can be dangerous, my thoughts aren’t necessarily filtered well.

It’s this need for sharing that has me literally holding back what I say to people because I had just had a daydream about them, or a dream, or a random thought.  None of these thoughts are violent or disturbing and I mean to do no harm to anyone.  They are mainly my over-imaginative mind creating scenarios, conversations, and actions.  The really good, funny, moving ones I want to share immediately.

Lately the ones I’ve wanted to share haven’t exactly been appropriate for sharing, they are more of a private thing.  But my crazy brain thinks otherwise and continues to shower me with snippets until I’m about to crack and spill my mind’s made up dirty laundry.  Thankfully I have an over abundance of notebooks and I have been really good about writing it all down, getting as creative, personal, and honest as I want.  It’s actually quite therapeutic.  I just hope that it continues to work, or even better, situations change and I could be more able to share these thoughts.  Stopping them is out of the question.  My imagination won’t allow that, even when I throw three books at a time at it, plus as many tv shows, movies, crafts, and activities as I can.  I have been invited to do a five mile run next spring, so maybe some old fashioned exercise will be what it takes to silence the beast that is my mind.